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Forgive and let it go

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard someone describe a leader by saying, “once you’re in his cross hairs, you never get out.” Or it’ll sound something like this, “Ever since (blank) happened, the boss has shut down and won’t talk to me.” These are common descriptions that have been shared with me, yours may sound similar or very different. Usually it speaks of someone who has taken an incident or comment personally and as a result is behaving in hurtful ways to no end. The result, although the misbehaver does not see it, impacts the whole organization in very negative ways and can take years to recover from. In these moments the boss isn’t seeing straight and is behaving out of their usual character. Because of the hurt, the boss is now hurtful, and the toxic fumes of their behavior can be detected all over the organization and is felt by people who were not even involved.

The expression goes, hurt people hurt people. It’s one thing to have a colleague in pain acting out in hurtful ways, it is a much worse thing to have a boss acting hurtful because they have control over your day, assignments, and ability to grow. Further, bosses have a psychological and physiological impact on your mood, performance, the way you sleep and your desire to do your best. Most bad bosses go their entire careers not knowing what kind of havoc they wreak on the lives of the people they lead. This article is to share with you a tool that anyone can use. It will not only benefit the members of your team, it also has benefits for the hurt boss who alienates, hurts and belittles others. That tool is forgiveness. 

If you are a leader, understand that you will experience conduct that will feel disrespectful, and a good amount of the time the behavior will be intentional. To complicate things more, because you are the leader, those same disrespectful people will come to you later on asking for a kindness, resources or leadership from you. It isn’t an easy thing, everything in your body will want you to take advantage of this opportunity to stick it right back to them. Everyone feels it, even your author. The key is to let the hurt go. The same way your counterpunch hurts your target, the pain that inspired your counterpunch, is fed and grows stronger. Nelson Mandela, in Long Walk To Freedom, reminds us that oppression hurts the oppressed and the oppressor alike.

The Discovery Channel has studied the Science of Forgiveness and revealed the psychological benefits of forgiveness. The Discovery people found that forgiveness has been necessary for the human race to live and to continue our species. People who forgive are stronger, experience less depression and a stronger immune systems. In their study, Nelson Mandela was used as an example of forgiveness. He made the decision when he walked out of prison to leave the hurt anger and resentment behind. As a result, the world benefitted from experiencing one of the most powerful examples of kindness history has ever seen.

Before I go I’ll leave you with this gentle directive. Bosses, please forgive them and let it go. And, (gulp) please forgive your boss and let it go. In the end, the resentment that you hold only hurts you. I tell the leaders I coach and my teams, “You forgive others, not so that THEY can proceed with THEIR lives unburdened by your anger and resentment, you forgive them so YOU can proceed with YOUR life unburdened by YOUR anger and resentment. Furthermore, you here are two solid reasons to forgive 1. You will never be called in to explain why you forgave and 2. You can leave the door open for the other person to return through. The burden of your anger and resentment does not just take a toll on your decision making and your relationships, it also takes a toll on your health and the health of those around you. You forgive for yourself, your team and your organization. There are healthy strategies for dealing with misbehavior, holding grudges and retaliation aren’t on the list. Learn to forgive and let it go and you will SOAR!

 

William A. Brown

April 14, 2019

 

Science of Forgiveness https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FyC-Zma75Aw

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FalhxAvLEf8

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