Embrace the Rocky Road

My friend and mentor, Dr. Mike McCoy, is quick to tell anyone who will listen, “Make no enemies”. In leadership there are very few words more key to your success. When it’s your job to get things done through other people it is essential that you reduce the number of people looking to undermine your vision or torpedo your career. Inevitably, someone is going to be upset by you, your decisions, their perceptions or expectations. That is just part of leadership. If you’re not prepared to deal with people not liking you or appreciating your style you should take more time to prepare yourself for the rigors of that role before you accept it. Too often, leaders look to take down these people by writing them up, picking them apart and just making them miserable until they quit or leave. That method is problematic for a number of reasons, not the least of which is that you’re making an enemy of that person, the people who witness your behavior and everyone they tell resulting in a greater chance of your own demise. I’m writing today about turning those incidents around and coming out better for it. I was inspired, not only by my mentor but also by Abraham Lincoln’s famous quote, “Do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends.”

A common pattern in Romantic Comedies goes something like this, two people meet, and they don’t like each other at first causing conflict. Around the middle of the movie, something happens that forces them to give each other a second (or third) look. They then decide they like each other after all and they end up closer than they ever would have in the beginning. Relationship experts call this the Law of the Rocky Road. This describes a relationship that has a rough patch at the beginning or in the middle and, because two or more people stick with it, the relationship is better in the end because it endured the tough time. This concept works when people are on the same side of a conflict such as members of a team or a platoon of soldiers. After their time together, they often remain friends for the rest of their lives. At work, if you apply the law of the Rocky Road, you can endure tough times and strengthen relationships in the process. Do that, and the observers of your conduct and people who hear stories about you will see you as a mature leader worthy of their respect and loyalty. That is an important step to building a team that works together, and gets things done. Furthermore, you increase your chances of a long and successful career.

I’ll share with you a relevant story of a colleague, we’ll call her Ginny. We were assigned to a site together and prior to meeting we were each told horror stories about each other. We were told how difficult it would be to work with each other because the other was an absolute pain and not fit for the roles we were in. Our two camps were downright nasty when they spoke to us about the other. This was easily a war in the making with our people loading us up with gunpowder and pointing out our target, each other. It was a pivotal time in my career and I was not feeling a battle at work and, to her credit, she had an open mind and heart about me in spite of what she heard. Either of us could have approached this relationship guarded or prepared to attack and it would have made for great drama but it would have caused a lot of pain for people who didn’t deserve it. Instead, we gave each other a chance. We worked together, talked often and tried to build a community at work that included everyone from both sides. Everyone didn’t get on board but we did successfully make something good out of our situation and managed to avoid battle and all the aftermath that comes with an intense workplace conflict. In fact, we found that we enjoyed each other’s company and discovered that we shared a birthday. I started this paragraph describing her as a colleague, ever since our short time together, I’ve considered her a friend.

About 2500 years ago, Athenian Historian and General, Thucydides said, “Of all manifestations of power, restraint impresses men most”. In leadership you’ll have to endure painful exchanges, difficult people, uncomfortable conflict, or people banding together to bring you down. The most important thing isn’t what happens to you, it’s how you respond to it. Your ability to demonstrate restraint. Be mindful that everything you say means more to your people than it might mean to you, and everything you say and do will be repeated and assigned a meaning whether you like it or not. People expect that their leaders will be what they would like to be, calm, cool, and competent and unwilling to get in the weeds when other people go low. I’m not a fan of Rocky Road ice cream but I do respect that it is a very popular flavor. It’s so popular that there is a variety of treats modeled after that combination of ingredients. When conflict presents itself, welcome it the way you would a large double scoop of ice cream. Welcome the other person or people, hear them out, work with them to solve their issues and build from there. Embrace the Rocky Road and you’ll find that stronger relationships are on the other side and as a positive consequence you will SOAR!

 

William A. Brown

May 5, 2019