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Great Leaders Have Thick Skin and Tender Hearts
I recently read an article by Mikki Kendall, written in November 2016 about the number of times Michelle Obama had to endure rude, racist, sexist or stupid attacks and it occurred to me how thick a leader’s skin has to be. As I read, it also struck me that she didn’t ask for the public life that was thrust on her and the grace with which she carried herself during her season in the spotlight. She and her husband have both written on her feelings about going into politics, she did not want to do it but she rolled with it in support of her husband. The cost of that decision taxed her like nothing she ever expected. This isn’t a piece on Michelle Obama, it’s about the importance of thick skin, for me, she exemplified a leader carrying this burden and keeping your cool. Projecting calm in the storm is essential because during the storm is the time people expect a leader rise.
Thin skinned individuals struggle leading because of their obsession with what people are thinking or saying. They want everyone to think well of them all the time, their thin skin can’t deal with the thought of being the target of criticism. These people are constantly trying to “set the record straight” or arguing about some meaningless issue with some less-than-informed constituent. What thin skinned people don’t take time to realize is that to onlookers, their obsession makes them appear petty and small. Onlookers know that leaders have to deal with criticism and are regularly targeted by everyone at one point or another. Usually, leaders are forgiven for missteps or slips of the tongue. Thick skinned people know how to forgive themselves and move on, thin skinned people run around trying to convince every individual what he “really meant”.
A tender heart is a compassionate one. People with tender hearts understand that everyone is fallible, and will make mistakes and will be vulnerable. Their tender hearts will not allow them to take advantage, instead they encourage. A tender heart can be exemplified by a mother caring for a hurt child. If leaders can take this view, they will earn currency with people that all leaders need to lead.
Hard hearted people pounce on the vulnerabilities of others. Hard hearted individuals diminish themselves because the people they pounce on usually have less power and ability to fight back. Essentially, hard hearted individuals are bullies. I had a conversation with a friend whose church recently closed its doors because the first lady would regularly scream at the congregants, sometimes during service. Her unchecked behavior got so bad that not only did visitors refuse to come back, but they took regular members with them. Not long ago, she stopped service to rant about a member who pulled out his phone to look at an online hymnal. Her hard heart repelled people in a place where people look for love and acceptance.
In October 2015, Eric Geiger published an illustration of four types of leaders; thick skin/tough heart, thick skin/tender heart, thick skin tough heart, thick skin tender heart. A link to his article with a full description is attached. As you read each description, ask yourself which quadrant you fall in.
Thick skin/ tough heart
Some leaders are able to ignore criticism and push through disappointment because they really don’t care. They don’t care about people at all. They are apathetic to the commitments they have made. They are able to go to sleep through challenges because they have no passion. Some leaders have “thick skin” because their hearts are calloused.
Thin skin/ tough heart
Some leaders cannot handle criticism or even godly rebukes from others, and yet they dole it out exponentially more than they receive. They are narcissistic, and a narcissistic leader is easily hurt but never concerned about hurting others. They have thin skin because their worth is connected to their name and renown, but their hearts are cold and calloused to others. They care infinitely more about their reputation than they care about those they want a reputation for serving.
Thin skin/ tender heart
A leader with a tender heart is compassionate, loving, and focused on people. Their concern for others’ feelings can, at times, result in thin skin. Because they want the best for people, they can easily move into foolishly thinking everyone can be happy at all times. Leaders with a tender heart and thin skin can become a slave to the opinion of others and ultimately fail to lead with conviction.
Thick skin/ tender heart
A leader with both thick skin and a tender heart is one who loves people but does not find his/her identity in what people think of him/her. A leader with thick skin and a tender heart is trustworthy and effective, compassionate and focused. This leader sees no contradiction between conviction and compassion, between thick skin and a tender heart. Such a leader is rare, too rare. We benefit greatly from following leaders with thick skin and tender hearts. Thick skin is a great asset for a leader, unless it is the result of a calloused heart. Thick skin combined with a tender heart results in passionate and compassionate leadership.
Having thick skin and a tender heart can sometimes feel like a contradiction, responding to that I would go back to the beginning of this article, with Michelle Obama. There were times when the things people said were deeply hurtful to her and instead of reacting, she caught her breath and did the things that needed to be done. As a leader on a much, much lower scale, her example is inspiring for me. If she can take the blows she had to take and can keep her head up, moving forward while looking out for others, then so can I. And so can you. She reminds us in difficult times, “When they go low, you go high.” If Michelle Obama isn’t inspiring to you then choose your favorite leader, the leader you like isn’t relevant because anyone in a leadership role gets criticized openly and sharply. The leaders who can manage to navigate the behaviors of others without compromising their position are usually the ones who last the longest and get the most done.
People will give you a reason to harden your heart but there is no room for that if you hope to be a successful leader. People look to their leader to be something they aspire to be, every time you react you diminish yourself. Learn to shake it off, the longer you hold onto resentment, the more you suffer in the end. I’ve never heard anyone I admire speak of a grudge they held satisfying anything, instead, it led them to make painful mistakes. Shake it off, laugh it up, take care of your people, and SOAR!
William A. Brown
November 10, 2019
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/William_Bowers_Bourn_II
https://ericgeiger.com/2015/10/thick-skin-tender-hearts-and-four-types-of-leaders/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/alpha-females/200812/thick-skin-pays-in-leadership
