Consistency is the Key

 

I received a call this week from a friend who felt like her relationship with her boss is deteriorating. She told me that in a conversation with her boss, she was told that she was doing a great job. Later that same day, in mixed company, her boss made a comment suggesting that she doubted her confidence and laughed with the group. This event caused my friend internal conflict because, to her, it felt like the boss was laughing at her and not with her which brought feelings that her boss was saying one thing while feeling another way entirely. She told me that she spoke with her boss about it, and her boss reassured her that she had her boss’ full confidence.  I asked her if her boss was being an insensitive jokester at that moment. She replied that she couldn’t tell because the boss didn’t include her in the joke or pull her into that circle. It felt like it was a cheap shot to impress others. This feeling caused conflict and stress because my friend reported that she didn’t know if the boss had confidence in her but was playing to a crowd, or if the boss didn’t have confidence in her but was saying so to her to avoid conflict. 

What my friend was experiencing is referred to as cognitive dissonance. Saul McLeod at simplypsychology.com describes cognitive dissonance as “a situation involving conflicting attitudes, beliefs or behaviors. This produces a feeling of mental discomfort leading to an alteration of one's beliefs or behaviors to reduce the discomfort and restore balance”. If someone is told that they are liked then are treated like an outsider, it causes cognitive dissonance that will result in changes in their attitude and behavior. Usually the changes in attitude and behavior will cause the source of the conflict, stress. In short, the boss who says one thing to an employee while behaving another will cause stress in that employee, causing behavior changes that cause stress for the boss. Social psychologists say humans have a preference for consistent thoughts, beliefs, knowledge, opinions, and attitudes. They refer to this tendency as cognitive consistency. They go on to say that incongruent or asymmetrical behaviors cause tension and unpleasant psychological states, and individuals will seek change in order to achieve balance. 

In the context of this article, an employee will hear a boss say that the employee has her full confidence, then walk out and experience the boss making a negative comment in front of others. This takes the employee on an emotional journey from, “I like my boss, she is a good person” to “my boss isn’t a good person and I don’t like her”. It doesn’t take long for the change to happen, the stress is caused as soon as the dissonance is experienced. It isn’t just limited to one on one interactions, large groups of people can be impacted by the behavior of one individual’s misbehavior. An individual can be changed by a group of people, or two groups can be changed by each other. In the context of leadership at work, when a leader is expected to look out for the group and does not, it causes stress and a change in behavior and attitudes which causes stress on the leader. 

There is a voice in all of our heads at this point saying, “What am I supposed to do? Try to make everyone happy?” I’ve had that same voice singing that song for a while. The answer is, “no”. Your goal is not to keep everyone happy, only to be consistent with your words and actions. People understand that their leaders are under a ton of pressure from a number of sources and have to make tough decisions. They also understand that they won’t like every decision their boss makes, they will not always get their way. Leaders understand that individuals in any group will have varying needs, and if resources are limited, some people won’t get what they’re after. The attitude that comes with not getting your way is different from the attitude that comes with cognitive dissonance, do not confuse the two. One is temporary, the other is long lasting and can be a huge barrier to the success of the leader. Consistency is the way. If someone is not meeting the standard, do not blow smoke, tell them. If someone is doing well, don’t knock them so others (including you) don’t feel insecure. 

In the context of my phone call, I told my friend to ask the boss in a way that does not bring about insecurity, if there is any area you could work on. Fortunately, her evaluation was coming up so it could safely be brought up in the preconference. When it was brought up, her boss made the connection and confirmed that she was joking at the time and reassured her that she was doing a great job and had nothing to worry about. There was constructive criticism in other areas but nothing that wasn’t expected. Crisis averted. 

Politics offer a great example of dissonance and inconsistency. Politicians will tell you that they care about you and are looking out for your best interests in election years or when they are in front of a camera, but will repeatedly act in contradictory ways. This is why approval ratings are so low for politicians, 

One of my favorite books is the Book of Joy, by Douglas Abrams, the Dalai Lama, and Desmond Tutu. The three men spend a week together talking about how to find joy in a world full of conflict. Their conversations were turned into the Book of Joy. There is a portion that they talk about the opinions of others and they use this parable. “A farmer’s horse runs away and the people of the town were quick to speak of his bad luck. When the horse came back with twelve younger, stronger wild stallions, the people were just as quick to speak of the farmer’s good luck. When the farmer’s son breaks his leg taming the stallion, people spoke of the farmer’s bad luck. When war broke out, and all able bodied sons are conscripted to war except the son with a broken leg, people spoke of that same farmer’s good luck. His son’s leg healed but he was left with a limp and could not efficiently work the fields, people were sad for the farmer who had to do most of the work. When all of the young men were killed at war, and the farmer and his son were the only men able to work the fields. The farmer became wealthy and generous to the people of the town. People celebrated him and his good fortune.” 

Just like the people in the parable, your people are watching what you do and are creating a narrative. The most successful narrative you can have is one of consistency, that you care about your people and are working in their best interests. You won’t always be able to give them what they want, they will understand that. They won’t understand you saying you care, then stepping on them for your own personal gain. The alternative to dissonance is resonance which decreases tension and relaxes people. Choose consistency and SOAR! 

William A. Brown

June 7, 2020 

https://www.simplypsychology.org/cognitive-dissonance.html 

https://www.amazon.com/Book-Joy-Lasting-Happiness-Changing/dp/1524708631

http://www.rainbowbody.com/newarticles/farmerson.htm